sick for two weeks.

well for two weeks.

sick yet again for another week.

fuck this cruel world. i can't believe i used to take my immune system for granted. i've been working through this past week with no intent of slowing down- and i've never been more grateful for our truncated clinic hours on friday. by 3 pm yesterday, i was immobilized in bed shivering madly under blankets, watching my temperature rise rapidly while my terrible and useless dogs cantered around me, biting each other's snouts and barking directly into my ear for moral support. an hour later, my sacral pain returned to join the body aches and chills and the simple task of ambulating became an excruciating impossibility. ian came home from work early to help me walk five feet to the bathroom, wrapped up in a quilt like a tearful, pointless burrito.

really testing out this "in sickness and in health" thing during our first week of marriage.

so here i am: physiologically defeated by the mere suggestion of a virus and mentally stressed from juggling an endless buffet of responsibilities at work, but little james is still hanging out just being the chillest, most unassuming passenger imaginable. he is almost the size of bell pepper, and all the pregnancy resources seem to agree that he should be very active by now. i still haven't felt any of hallmarks of quickening- no flutters, no bubbles, no gentle swishes- so i assume he's probably as lazy as i am or maybe my uterus is plated with adamantium.

in addition to falling behind on fetal movement detection, i'm also lagging in the growth department. "you can't even tell that you're pregnant!" people tell me enthusiastically. they stare at my flat stomach while i try unsuccessfully to hide my ever-expanding love handles and four new chins. i have cheated the system, of course, with the bionic abs that dr. hughes gifted me two years ago. i've always considered the surgery a better investment than my master's degree (which i think is a comparison that no self-respecting academic or intellectual should ever make, but also i am garbage), though it causes me some degree of concern when factored into my first pregnancy. it feels like baking a zany new recipe with no oven light for viewing progress- i just have to assume that everything is expanding and growing according to plan. i have read some message board horror stories about post-abdominoplasty pregnancy discomforts so now i assume james will be living somewhere behind my sternum in the third trimester while i sleep sitting up like the elephant man to avoid drowning in esophageal reflux.

but for now, with the singular exception of this infuriating immunosuppression, i feel safe grading this first half of the pregnancy as a solid 8/10. no morning sickness, no moodiness, 6 pounds weight gain, broke ass bladder, still haven't exercised at all.

the anatomy scan is scheduled for thursday and i'm excited to see every part of him- and hoping his penis is actually detectable this time or else he might have some self-esteem issues later in life. it'll also be ian's first time seeing him as an actual baby-shaped thing and not an errant little bean.

we've been talking a lot about which facial features we'd want to bequeath to him and i think ian's google search history is probably all "how do genes work" or "will my baby have creepy blue eyes" but to be honest, the realities of creating a whole new person has been weighing heavily on my mind these days (when i'm not thinking of how to burn down the coppell clinic). the harder things, the qualities we have to nurture. his character, his inner strength, his moral fiber and work ethic. i'm probably not going to be an amazing mom because i'm not particularly good at anything and i'm still refusing to figure out laundry, but it doesn't matter to me so long as he brings value to the world and knows how to love.

hope he gets his dad's immune system tho.