i'm midway through my fifth week of pregnancy and the symptoms are clockwork. i wake up every day with the looming threat of a headache tensing up the back of my head with an ominous grip, finally settling in slowly at around 11 am. exhaustion trundles in after noon, and the peak of its compressing weight always arrives by 2 pm. i've been physically tired, lazy, sleep-deprived— but this kind of fatigue is a brand new animal with bloodshot eyes and soporific mentality. my boobs feel heavier and sore; am considering keeping them pent up in a sports bra for the next eight months. i'm getting these weird little twinges in my lower abdomen that started in the middle of the night on my right side, then shifted to the left. they're sporadic and a bit reassuring—a reminder that my body is rapidly changing to accommodate life, as opposed to just bloating up into an endless maw for ice cream for no good reason.

i told the boys at the clinic today, the reveal i dreaded the second-most (papa will be a harder sell). instead of responding with "lol u r demoted to janitor," they congratulated me and seemed genuinely excited—not at all concerned with how maternity will affect my job performance. i suppose i'm the only egghead in the practice sitting around shrewdly calculating insurance premiums and time off policies.