today i realized that the only baby-related photo i've posted thus far featured a plastic stick i urinated on, so it was high time for some intentional photography.

(not maternity photos, never maternity photos. when people try to dissuade me from this decision, i am tempted to unearth pictures from 2011 and wave them around angrily. i already know what i look like with some extra chins and a swollen belly, i can just run my old selfies through a lightroom preset to add hazy light and they'd become serviceable maternity photos. the trauma runs deep in a former fat girl.)

we're still not done with the nursery. there are some great circular shelves sitting in their packaging, supplies and toys that will be acquired during the baby shower, and i'm considering a little more art. today i attempted to hang the framed "formation" lyrics (baby's first beyhive) by first making some lopsided measurements, then trying to utilize pushpins, finally giving up and accepting that i am terrible at everything and probably have primary motor cortex damage. ian, defeated by a cold, sleeps all day in a nest of blankets and lukewarm tea. i mope around the living room and wonder how i'll ever learn to hang things or do any home improvement.

but for now, i'm very happy with our furniture and design choices. i'm even happier with the fact that i purchased every single piece online, and thus avoided a handful of human interactions. i'm marveling at the fact that i was complicit in putting together any living space that doesn't look like a serial killer's rented storage unit. i look forward to the endless life of cleaning diarrhea off every carefully-chosen element of this room.

it's hard to believe that in a couple of months, i'll be bringing a tiny living thing in here and putting it down and sneaking off to the next room only to sit around and google horror stories about sids until my blood pressure becomes untenable. no matter how often i think about the looming realness ahead, i still can't wrap my head around the fact that god and society and this handsome man have all decided to trust me with a brand new human life. me, a person who legitimately has trouble telling time and still hasn't removed the jr bacon cheeseburger wrappers from her car. i don't know why i think those two qualities are related.

i know the running theme of this blog is just i am 12 and what is this but i'm always mentally exploring this new and curious implementation of imposter syndrome. this dichotomy of feeling prepared but simultaneously feeling like a raccoon asked to become an astronaut.

but at least i've helped put together a bomb ass nursery.