i've been sick for a week, and i have to admit i haven't been handling it well.  the upper respiratory bug that has been plaguing my friends and colleagues recently is averaging 3-4 days in everyone else.  but it has chosen to opportunistically wreak havoc on my immunosuppressed body and it seems to be taking up permanent residence.  i can't remember what breathing feels like anymore.

this relentless sinus congestion sucks, but for me it's more psychologically than physically debilitating.  sure, the pressure of my sinuses pent up in an increasingly swollen and patchy face keeping me sleep-deprived and painfully dry-mouthed is a miserable sensation- but i'd argue that the claustrophobic, trapped feeling of severe congestion is harder to handle.  

under normal circumstances, i would be unabashedly drowing myself in a mountain of otc pills.  but now, everything that enters my bloodstream requires careful consideration.  the landscape of decision-making has shifted these past three months, and now i am first and foremost asking myself: how will this affect my son?

last night i cried a little from the frustration but dammed up the waterworks immediately when i realized it made the sinus pressure worse.  with no hesitation, ian grabbed his car keys and ran to the store to pick up some other non-medicinal remedies i could try.  he brought them back to me along with a box of ice cream drumsticks.

so i'm sitting here wrestling with biochemical riddles like, how will 600mg of guaifenesin affect a fetus at 14 weeks, but the thing bolstering me through this wretched haze of illness and stress and sleep deprivation is considering an altogether more important effect on my son.

he belongs to the most incredible man i've ever had the privilege of meeting.  he's going to be raised by a tirelessly thoughtful, measured, empathetic, and patient father.  like, i've dated guys i could describe fondly with superficial adjectives like funny and intelligent but i've never admired anyone's character the way i admire ian's.  if our son becomes even half the man his father is, i'll be absolutely proud.

but if he turns out to be a total useless fuckboy snapchatting girls on the moon colony a bunch of stupid shirtless selfies like "wyd beuatiful ;)" i'll probably look back on this week of my pregnancy and think ugh i can't believe i avoided decongestants for this.